Ambivalent feelings on Monday morning, June 13

Ok, so this morning I woke up on a Monday morning without a job for the first time in 30 years.  It's a bit disconcerting to think that no one is counting on me to produce a video or manage a meeting.  I'm really okay with the change in position, but there are some feelings that I need to explore regarding the way I feel towards working at this point.  There had always been so much pressure about delivering a product or event.  I'm not going to miss that.  Success had been measured by the last achievement.  I tend to think of the whole body of works as a measure of success.  Each achievement led to the collection of a career.  

Have you  ever watched someone from afar working on a task?  Perhaps they are loading a truck or blowing leaves out of the bushes.  You can't take your eyes off them until they are done.  We are drawn to the action like kids to an ice-cream truck.  We notice the precision with which they work.  We may have a thought about how they could improve their process or perhaps we marvel at their skill and efficiency.  Once the task is complete and satisfaction is achieved you can move on just like they do.  When we have our own tasks that we are focussed on, we gain a sense of joy when they are complete.  We have accomplished something.  It's not necessarily success, but sometimes it could be.  It is completing the task to the best of our abilities that brings joy.  Each achievement, each step forward, brings a sense of accomplishment, and if we are to make a difference in the world, we need to have those moments.  When we don't have tasks to complete what moves us forward?

I wonder where my joy will come from now.  Don't get me wrong, I am having a hell of a time on this trip.  I am learning, meeting people, seeing wonderful places, eating great food.  It's a vacation though, not a job.  This is finite.  Soon I will be home in my house and back to the real world with grocery shopping and dentist visits.  

I like having something to do.  I like accomplishing great tasks that take forethought and planning.  I like looking back and seeing what we accomplished together as a team.  How will I measure success now?  What will call me to get out of bed and greet the day.  As I contemplate this question.  I know I am not alone.  I think of all the others who are in solidarity with me.  We have all been successful in our positions.  We can look back with pride on our body of work and know we moved forward from our place in the world.  We made a difference.  I will miss you and look forward to hearing of your new successes. 

Still searching for God's plan for me.  Ei